TOUNGE IN CHEECK – SATIRE – OVER THE TOP

Today marks the last week of anticipation for me. Next monday I will be the proud, excited and probably relieved owner of my very own house! Preparations and planning are still in full swing and will continue to be well after March 3rd aswell, I imagine.
To ‘celebrate’ I counted all the D**we Egb***s coupons we had collected over a very long period of time. Thanks to drinking gallons of filter- and instant coffee for a million years we had collected over Eleven Thousand Points! What a huge amount I thought. It took me six or seven hours to count them all. I can’t remember the exact time because I passed out twice due to sheer exhaustion. I was giddy when I looked up what I was going to buy from the online catalogue with this treasure chest. I thought about the espresso-maker, the coffee table and the serving boy availiable to me.

It turns out that I can get at least thirteen cappuchino mugs or seven nicely decorated, empty jars or a few art-deco tins from the days of yore. Did I feel dissapointed with this seemingly meagre choice of articles? No! I can’t influence a large conglomorate company. A 350+ year old establishment that stole and cheated it’s way to the mass production of black bile! (Thieving basterds!)

I am going to go to the shop all the same. I’m going to have a look around, pick out the items I want and I am going pay for them…using the coupons naturally. At the counter I will open my box with all the points in them and casually dump them on the shop floor with my chin in the air. With a quick wave of the hand I will declare:

‘There you are! Your precious points! I’ve counted them all’, adding, ‘It’s enough’ then half-kick the pile towards the hapless shop assistant, who by then is scrambling on hands and knees trying to pick it up. On my way out I will take a coaster to teach them a final lesson.

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